The Dangers of "Are We Dating The Same Guy Chicago?" and Other Groups Like It...
If you’re a Gen-Z or Millennial woman and active on social media, you’ve most likely heard of the “Are We Dating The Same Guy?” groups on Facebook. They’re everywhere and for every major city in the United States—spanning hundreds of thousands of members for certain ones and only continuing to grow. We get to post in these groups to not air our grievances for the purpose of tea, but to warn other women on who to avoid— ultimately saving lives out here.
As a woman, I truly stan the purpose of these "Are We Dating the Same Guy" groups. I loved that there was a way to warn women anonymously about dangerous men who are making their rounds in these dating streets—especially the ones peein in “the pool”. I loved that there was some kind of way to get a little history on a man before going out with him for the evening just by searching his name, that there was a way to get an idea of who a man possibly is when the mask is off and that you had the opportunity to run for the hills before anything even started.
And I wish there was a way these groups were able to operate without men finding out about them, BUT these groups have grown like crazy and it's getting out of control because now, no matter how much you tell the ladies in the group to not share info outside of it to men they know or recognize, they're not going to stop and knowing the unhinged nature of a lot of men, I personally don't feel it's worth it to post guys--especially within Chicago. It’s now posing risks to your safety and sharing information publicly is now putting ourselves in harm’s way. Even though the groups are private and even when you post anonymously, there are ways to identify you depending on how you tell your story and how common his twisted acts are.
Everything and everyone is connected and digital footprint is real…
The world is too small (especially this city—everyone knows everyone in Chicago) and if he's one of them walking red flags, his response to finding out it was you who posted him or commented about him will be of such. It has to be other ways because I honestly see something really bad happening to someone because of these groups. I really don't want to be that "I told you so" person, but I just have a bad feeling now about this.
It's incredibly valuable to have a space where we can warn each other about men who are possibly dangerous, but now I also feel it’s really important to at least be aware of the potential consequences of speaking on them. Unfortunately, a lot of men are becoming aware of these groups and are reacting and will continue to do so.
One time, I recognized the brother of an ex of mine. I commented that I met him only once and although brief, that he seemed like a nice guy and it got back to him immediately. Chile. That was enough for me to say I'll never contribute to a post in those groups ever again --even if it's anonymous.
Exercise caution always.
Please stay safe and be careful. Those groups are triggering the ones who absolutely deserve to be posted and it's starting to feel unsafe. It's not easy navigating dating at all as a woman and gets dangerous, but if someone shows you a red flag, believe it the first time and leave them the hell alone.
I just want to encourage everyone to prioritize personal safety please. If you're unsure about sharing certain details or feel uncomfortable, trust your gut. I hate that so many men are able to get away with continuing to abuse and assault women by way of dating or participating on these dating apps, but if and when you do feel led to share, just please take all precautions possible. Please try to not use any identifying information. Post anonymously always and don’t use your own name. It's okay to prioritize your own well-being.
Still protect ourselves and each other.
Additionally, consider alternative ways to support each other and raise awareness about these men, perhaps through real life conversations on the phone or when you get together, private messages or some other kind of closed groups with MUCH stricter membership criteria.
The goal in this is absolutely to protect each other, and that includes being mindful of everything. If he committed a crime and some kind of assault against you or someone else, report him to the proper authorities. If you do still feel led to post him in those groups, just please do so with caution.
1 comment
I most certainly agree. People are not loyal and even a well intended inbox or warning can be taken the wrong way. You said the guy seemed nice. What is the problem. There has to be a better way.